A mistake, by my definition, is something that I choose to do in good faith, without any way to predict the negative outcome in advance.

My well learned pattern is to blame myself for anything that goes wrong, no matter how little I had to do with it. And there is a place in this series of events where I could have bailed out — it just never occurred to me to do so.

The brochure said something like, “You can get right to the foot of the glacier and see the icebergs in the lake. You must be in moderately good physical condition and able to paddle for up to 2 hours as one of 14 passengers on a big canoe.”

Jon and I decided that out of all the excursions offered at the Juneau stop of our long awaited Alaskan Cruise, this one sounded the best. We even talked about doing things like this while we are still in robust good health because later in life it might not be possible.

My mistake was that it did not occur to me to back out when there were only 10 passengers in all and 2 of them were children. The guide said the water was unusually choppy but did not suggest canceling the trip. The magnificent glacier lake and woods exceeded all my expectations. I was thrilled.

I was thrilled until the current kept pushing us back, the children stopped even trying to paddle, one of the other women paddled every once in a while and I exhausted myself.

I didn’t know how exhausted I was until I discovered I couldn’t unfasten my own life jacket or boots, let alone remove them. I didn’t get worried until I went to the bathroom and couldn’t stand up when I had finished. Even then, it did not occur to me that my muscle tone wouldn’t be back after a rest.

I eventually hobbled back on to the ship, arranged for a massage, and went about my ordinary vacation tasks, like dressing for dinner.

Oops! I discovered I couldn’t…
Wring out my washcloth…
Squeeze the toothpaste…
Unscrew a bottle cap…
Work the clips to hang up my jeans…
Put on my bathing suit to go to the hot tub…
Buckle my sandals…
Get up from the couch or the toilet…
Go up or down stairs…
Take a normal step…
At dinner I discovered I couldn’t…
Sit down gracefully…
Lift my water glass with one hand…
Cut my food…

You get the picture!

Jon was wonderful and we both learned more about disability than we wanted to know.

By coincidence, our ship was hosting the annual cruise for people with MS and their caretakers. Over 10% of the passengers were traveling with disabilities. Canes, wheel chairs and scooters were everywhere.

Nobody thought much about one additional person hobbling around and assistance was everywhere. I managed to not miss any of our scheduled fun — which included being bundled into protective boots and somehow getting half-lifted in and out of a helicopter and walking gingerly on a glacier.

I have no way to describe the grandeur or the sense of awe and gratitude I experienced there. What an incredible world we live in!

All this while experiencing the disabilities endured regularly by some of my companions. They were so generous in sharing how managing a disability and living your life is done with grace, humor and courage.

Gradually the strength in my arms came back and I kept waiting for my legs to get better too. That has not happened yet.

After an MRI, I learned that two disks in my lower back are inflamed. We’re exploring treatment options and I am reassured that I will recover. We just don’t know what’s involved yet.

I’ve learned empathy for my clients who manage pain on a regular basis. My pain didn’t develop until after the cruise ended but I learned what happens to my capacity for rational thinking when it did. My doctor gave me the medication and information I needed, and my friend Linda Clarke helped me manage my panic.

Linda told me that my priorities would change, and they certainly have. I have been so focused on myself and my own recovery that I am just now returning to my ordinary world. Listening to my 6- and 9-year-old grandsons tell me their adventures helped last night.

I even forgot that many of my friends want copies of the print edition of my book.

We ordered a (very) short print run of Being Happy Together: How to Create a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week. I have not decided what to do after this so if you want to be sure of getting your copy, click here.

We should be able to get your order filled by mid-July.

I will be making my decision about whether to make more copies available in late August or early September.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”

[tags]Personal Growth[/tags]