Table Of Contents
99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Saying... "I Do"
Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1: What you should know, but don't
1. Two don't become one
2. You're taught to have these expectations
3. You can keep your own identity
4. You can grow and change
5. Expectations don't have much connection to reality
6. He can’t meet all your needs
7. You really must address those disagreements
8. Men and women really are different
9. Following the golden rule can kill a marriage
Chapter 2: You need to know about you
10. Others tell you who you are supposed to be
11. You try hard to meet their expectations
12. Waking up is a process
13. “The problem that has no name”
14. You may need more education
15. You can ask for what you want
16. You have the right to say no
17. You may not know how strong you are
18. Knowing yourself doesn't turn off your programming
Chapter 3: Don't hurry, take your time
19. You're in love – the biological imperative
20. Trying to escape rarely works
21. This isn't your only chance
22. No man can make you whole
23. You can't change him
24. You had second thoughts but felt pressured
25. You misjudged him – he seemed so nice
26. You think this time will be better
27. It's okay to wait
Chapter 4: Family patterns are important
28. Childhood experiences impact your expectations
29. Each family has different rules
30. New situations may challenge old rules
31. You each know your own family rules
32. Learn to recognize his family's rules
33. Expectations about following rules cause problems
34. Codependency is a cultural expectation
35. Just wanting different rules isn't enough
36. Recovering from codependency takes work
Chapter 5: You don't notice very important things
37. Surprising reasons for choosing each other
38. Looking good doesn't last
39. Unconscious choices reflect past unmet needs
40. Conscious and unconscious agreements
41. Not meeting hidden expectations causes problems
42. Notice clues about hidden information
43. Those not-so-fatal attractions
44. You can't make him change
45. Changing is challenging for both of you
Chapter 6: You need to discuss your values
46. Your mask won't keep you safe
47. What you talk about matters
48. Don't assume, ask important questions
49. Some differences really do matter
50. Defensiveness about disagreements is dangerous
51. Admitting your vulnerability lets you connect
52. Nobody wins in a power struggle
53. A disagreement isn't a disaster
54. Communicating is critical
Chapter 7: Physical issues take attention and communication
55. Physical attraction: necessary but not sufficient
56. Physical intimacy has multiple meanings
57. You each must define enough
58. Communicate about sexual problems
59. Sleeping problems interfere with physical intimacy
60. Health issues can become critically important
61. Affairs happen when problems are ignored
62. Never excuse physical mistreatment
63. Shocking surprises occasionally occur
Chapter 8: Getting married doesn't cure bad behavior
64. He changed after we got married
65. He doesn’t keep his agreements
66. “He's mean” Abuse must be named!
67. Mental illness is frightening and frustrating
68. Alcoholism causes devastatingly bad behavior
69. Marriage isn’t a license for bullying
70. His priorities don't include me
71. He’s emotionally unavailable
72. Should I stay or should I leave?
Chapter 9: Stay conscious about money
73. It's best to share financial responsibility
74. Different values make sharing a challenge
75. Sharing responsibility means sharing power
76. Sometimes deception is an issue
77. Lack of skill causes problems
78. Keep your own financial independence
79. Learn to communicate about finances
80. His, Hers, and Ours
81. Planning for the future – including retirement
Chapter 10: Spiritual and religious values are important
82. Definitions of Spirituality and Religion
83. Spirituality is a perspective
84. People define spiritual values differently
85. Spirituality and religion help explain experiences
86. Spirituality and religion provide community support
87. Differences in values create tension
88. Some people search for spiritual engagement
89. Selfishness undercuts spiritual connection
90. Using marriage for spiritual growth
Chapter 11: Secrets that make marriage work
91. It really takes hard work
92. Breaking the codependency is very challenging
93. You can't complete each other
94. You're two different people
95. You can't make each other happy
96. Disagreeing is as important as pleasing
97. Disagree without being disagreeable
98. Trust and respect are critical
99. The rewards are worth it
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